The delicious foods you consume on a daily basis didn’t just come from the ground, unless you’re one of those “organic” folk. No, the best-tasting stuff is the result of trial and error, as well as plenty of research and marketing. The question for the following products is not why they were discontinued, but why they were even made in the first place?
1. Zima
When Zima slowly expired on its death bed, the cries of all the young teenage drunks and sorority pledges, who thought the drink was cool cause it looked like they were drinking 7up, could be heard. Without Zima will our younger brothers still be able to get drunk enough to attempt their first boob-grab? Will capitalism be able to withstand the recession we are in, clearly a result of our now Zima-less society?
2. Life Saver Holes
How many times have you eaten a Lifesaver and said, “Whoa, that was way too much. I’m stuffed. I wish I didn’t have to overeat like that.” Well, if you’re like me and every other person on this planet, the answer is never. So it obviously made complete sense to create a product that was just holes, sort of like munchkins for donuts.
3. Crystal Clear Pepsi
For years people claimed that they would love to consume more Pepsi, if only it didn’t solely come in the off-putting color brown, because we all know, its harder to see if someone puts roofies in your drink this way. Well, Pepsi heard those cries and they decided to produce a new brand of Pepsi. The new color of Pepsi would be clear, and the new name of Pepsi would cleverly be Crystal Clear. Would this novel liquid replace nature’s tired old beverage standard as the new chemical substance required to sustain life? In a word: no. Thankfully, as scholars later revealed, if humans had attempted to substitute new Crystal Clear Pepsi for water, much, if not all, of the human population would have died. Apparently what makes water so essential isn’t its color, or lack thereof, but its unique chemical make-up. Go figure. For years after this embarrassment, many Pepsi executives could be seen standing next to bodies of water and shaking their fists in the water’s general direction.
4. Astronaut Ice Cream
Because we all wanted to feel like we were in space, so why not eat like an astronaut would too? I know my parents loved having to pay $5 for ”space-age” ice cream at the museum of science. I don’t know about you, but I prefer to eat anything that needs freeze-drying over real food.
5. Doritos 3-D
It’s a sad occasion when a Doritos consumer comes across one of those chips that has had an air bubble trapped inside itself during production. In fact, such a chip has been known to cause many Doritos eaters to throw their bags of highly flavored corn chips against the wall screaming, “How do you expect me to take my snacking to a higher level with this garbage!” So imagine the surprise when Doritos announced an entire product line of chips with air bubbles intentionally pumped in. Because a chip with the same flavoring/same texture is so much cooler in 3-D.
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